Missed the Beginning, Missed at the End

This past weekend I was in Cincinnati visiting Emily and her family (she goes to University of Cincinnati). I made a point to leave early enough on Sunday so I could see the Browns play and also so I could visit my sister Britt (ordered by importance). Sorry Britt, but the Browns only play 20 days out of the year (pending they never make the playoffs...) and I have the other 346 days of the year to catch up with you. Anyways, I was driving up I-71N on my way to Cleveland when I had this bright idea: Its time to buy an HDMI cable so I could watch the Browns in HD on my parents' brand new 46 inch TV. Great idea? Yeah, you would think. I made a quick call to Rich (who can get a discount on them) and stopped by his place on the way home. After picking up the cable I left his apartment right as the game was starting, just in time to see the message across the bottom of the screen:

CBS Will NOT be presenting today's game in HD.

Typical Browns. The game (and the team) was so low on the ratings list that CBS didn't even bother broadcasting the game in HD. Figures.

I listened to the game on he radio as I drove to my parents' house; I had missed the beginning. I turned on the radio just in time to hear about Anderson's fumble and the Browns had a 3rd and 40 coming up. Yeah, this is looking good. By the time I got home I had missed the entire first quarter and some of the second - it killed me. I live and breath Browns all year long and missing a moment of the game drove me crazy. Not to enthralled by the game, Britt was trying to get to me to help her with her new ipod shuffle - not going to happen. Don't get me wrong, Britt is a sports fan, but the Cavs are definitely her team...not the Browns.

Now with the cable installed and my sister upstairs figuring out the ipod (sorry Britt...again), I could sit down and watch the game without any distractions. After about 5 minutes of watching "the bad" Anderson out on the field I was disheartened...all I could do was watch. I felt like a child being let down by his hero; I suppose, in that moment I was a child wishing for the unthinkable...another Browns win. It wasn't that I felt Anderson wasn't trying, it was that he wasn't prepared; like someone trying to pass a history test they didn't study for. Our defense wasn't to stellar either, letting the Raiders get a first down from 3rd and 23. Its so hard as a fan to watch a team do so well one week (vs. the Bengals) and come out so flat the next. Then again, the only consistency the Browns have given their fans over 60+ years are broken hearts.

Once again, Cribbs had an awesome game - 99 yard kickoff return along with some other long ones mixed in; our special teams couldn't do anything wrong it seemed. Fast forwarded to the closing minutes of the 4th quarter. The Browns were down by 2. Cribbs just received a kickoff and made a descent return; the Browns had 57 seconds to move down the field and get a field goal. My heart was pounding, I was pacing around the room, I was fulfilling my duty: keeping hope...now the Browns just had to come through...just this once. By some miracle of God (I stand by the fact God is a Browns fan), we got into position for a 40 yard field goal. The special teams lined up, the snap came, the punter handled it well, Dawson's kick went up....straight through the center of the uprights! HOLY CRAP! Thats about all I could get out before the officials called it back - Oakland had called a time out right before the snap...

I didn't need to watch the rest of the game. My dad said, "Well, whats going to happen now?". Without even thinking twice about it I said, "Oh, this kick is as good as blocked." Even know I said that, I still wished, prayed, hoped that somehow, just this once things would go our way. Just as they did a few minutes before, the team lined up, took the snap, and WHAM...blocked; we missed at the end.

To make matters worse, on that last play a Brown went down; no, it wasn't a player on the field - it was me. I had a fan concussion. I stood there, staring at the TV in shock; my arms were frozen over my face in disbelief. I was unable to watch post game anything, I couldn't even muster the energy to sit through Bruce Drennan's post game show...there was no way I was blogging under this condition - I was completely deflated. To me, for whatever reason, this lose was worse than the one in week one to the Steelers. Well, maybe not, nothing is worse than losing to the Steelers, but this was close.

On Monday I managed enough energy to email the Monday night Browns show hosted by Jim Donavin and Tony Grosse - my email made it on...again (although I don't think there was much competition):

I spent the whole week hearing the Browns say how they wouldn't ride the previous week's win affect how they prepared for the Raiders. After seeing how flat they came out on Sunday it is clear that they either felt that they just had to show up or...even worse: didn't care.

From the looks of Crennel and the other players saying they were "disappointed" after the game it is crystal clear they just don't care. I have seen virtually no emotion from the team as a whole this entire year. These games (wins and loses) have been much more emotionally daunting on the fans than the players; what will it take for them to care?

Browns come on. I always speak of the future, the "next year", being right now. I want so badly for you to stop letting us down so we can ditch this loser's mentality, but you give us no reason to believe anything else. Our only glimmer of hope is sitting on the sideline; maybe its better that way. As soon as he plays our entire hand is on the table - he will be playing with our hope, our faith, our hearts. With our hope on the field we will be left with nothing more than the reality of the moment, nothing to look forward to, that will be it...hopefully that is a great reality.